THE DAY I MADE MY WAY TO SINCLAIR HOUSE FOR EXERCISE‏

One day I travelled by bus to Sinclair House for the exercise group and other activies as was usual every Tuesday , but on the way a whacking great big hand came down from the sky, smashed open the window and tried to pull my head off, but instead I was lifted out and whisked up into the sky by the big hand that seemed to be operating on it's own.
The hand didn't belong to anyone else, just itself.
I screamed and screamed, but no matter how much I screamed the hand just wouldn't let go of me and all of a sudden picked up speed and took me up to Mars when I should have been at Sinclair house doing exercises.
I tried to jump off Mars, but just as I tried a giant Jellyman grabbed hold of me and in an instant I was eaten.
Meanwhile, back down on Earth at Sinclair House one of the staff from Mitkadem Day Centre, who was running the group at Sinclair House ,  said that Bernard Tisman hasn't yet arrived, he should have been here by now, "so a search party was sent out.
They searched and searched but could find no trace of me.
In the end the whole world was searched but could not find me, so the answer was to send a space mission to other planets.
In the end Mars was chosen so men landed on Mars, but were surrounded by Giant jellymen.
fortunately the jellymen were transparent so whatever they swallowed could be seen inside.
In fact they found a skeleton in one and opened up the Jellyman once they had stunned it. They took out the skeleton, examined it and found out that it was me for I got devoured by the jellyman.
What the space crew didn't realize, was that a big hand that had a life of it's own had kidnapped me and whisked me up to Mars where I got eaten by a giant jellyman.
The news of my death caused by a jellyman predator who gobbled me up on Mars reached the Mitkadem Day Centre and they were shocked. But as they were talking the big hand that had grabbed me burst into the Mitkadem and tried to snatch one of the users, but was fought off with a broom. But just when they had finished with the big hand it snatched two members of staff and whisked them up into the sky.
fortunately there were police helicopters. They opened fire and the big hand let go of the two members of staff.
They fell down to Earth and returned to their jobs.
However the big hand still continued on it's mad rampage despite being fired at and snatched loads of people off their feet and up to Mars where they got gobbled up by giant jellymen.
Fortunately the menacing big hand's reign of terror came to an end when it fell into an acid bath, which instantly dissolved it.

PROFESSOR BRANEWASH

Professor Branewash was an absent - minded professor who lived in the village of Great Duckhead, Surrey. One day he invented a vacuum  cleaner, but it went wrong when it suddenly started up by itself and flew out of the window. It chased one person, caught him and sucked him up as if it sucked up dirt.

The man who got sucked up into the vacuum cleaner was Lord Goodmayes. Two men, Ben weasel and John Bookshelf had to open up the vacuum cleaner to free Lord Goodmayes, but, as they did, the malfunctioning hoover flew up into the sky and sucked up a couple of Robin Bluebottle birds. Luckily the birds pecked their way out with their sharp beaks. They got their own back by pecking at the hoover, but the faulty hoover was too quick and whizzed down to the ground where it knocked a load of washing off the line.

Meanwhile, inside his house, Professor Branewash was making cakes when, 

"suddenly they flew up,

"Smack!, right into his face. Not only that, he tried to repair his cooker, when suddenly it started to rattle on it's own accord. The extreme force caused by a  malfunctioning cooker made the door blow off.  As a result the meat pie that the mad professor was cooking suddenly shot right out of the oven and flew right across the room and ended up landing,
"Smack!, right onto the ceiling.

All of a sudden the cooker blew up and all it's contents flew  right out of the window, with some of them ending up on a table where people were eating.
In fact some of the fragments from the exploded cooker, wrongly repaired by Professor Branewash ended up on one of the plates whilst someone was eating. As a result he had to spit them all out.
All this was witnessed by Zigerala Zump, the schoolgirl from Birdwich Girls School in Mincepie Lane. She went to see Professor Branewash carrying 200 books on her head, and had to board a 10 wheel bike  to take the strain off her carrying 200 books on her head for half of the journey.
The bicycle was ridden by Jim Nutpie, a school governor who was in charge of Birdwich Girls school and other schools in the village, such as Mannequin Pee Primary school and George Wishbone Central.

The professor, Professor Branewash made such dangerous inventions like the toilet where a huge jet of water shot  right up into the man's face when he flushed it and the light bulb that came crashing down when the light was switched on.

THE MAN WHOSE ILEOSTOMY STARTED TO MALFUNCTION WHILST STAYING OVER AT HIS COUSIN'S PLACE

On December 24th, 2014, Brian Swing was picked up by his cousin and taken to his flat, Leopard's Court to stay over for three nights as it was the festive period, but, on that first night the ileostomy went wrong and failed to empty out completely.
Partial ileostomy obstruction had set in, but, to begin with was very minor, the only sign being a full feeling felt by the man himself.

That very first night the stoma stopped completely - no output until the next morning.

Come the following morning, the stoma started to unclog.

Brian Swing had his breakfast, but didn't want his toast because the retention made him very full up even though it wasn't that big.

The Ileostomy continued to free itself throughout the day, but, only half of the job was done by the time the man was invited over to one of his cousin's houses for the festive meal. Despite this Brian Swing tolerated the large helping of food very well, for he had to go through two bowls of soup, a large festive meal of turkey, Brussel sprouts, the lot, plus Christmas pudding and tiramisu desert and much more.

However the man himself had to spend a penny all the time in the house because of his stoma.

Later that night the the job of unblocking the Ileostomy was  done, but only 90% unblocked.

The next day the stoma malfunctioning started all over again, with it operating at only 50% of it's normal capacity.

Brian Swing slept on a Put - U - Up bed, a settee that opened out in to a bed.
The bed was in the man's cousin's study where he kept his computer and other essentials.
Being a makeshift bed it was no where near as good as a proper bed.
Brian also brought his laptop, tablet and other pill computers with him, but, most of the time watched television and, whilst he was staying was helped to some mince pies, nuts, crisps, plus other foods.

On the day Brian went home he had his last meal - breakfast, but, to start off with he had cereal, followed by a full English breakfast, but couldn't finish the whole lot due to the obstruction which meant that the Ileostomy failed to empty, meaning that the residue of previous meals piled up inside his body as it failed to exit through the stoma, making him nauseous. Luckily he didn't throw up. 
However, on the way home the blockage came undone and the sickness went away, so, by the time the man returned home he ended up with a very large output. However, despite this the blockage was far from being undone, and, for the part of the day the man struggled. it came to a head when he had to phone  the 'out of hours' doctor because he was in dire straits.
The doctor said that he should go straight to 
A and E as it was an emergency. He tried to phone the computer cab, but the operator didn't respond to his call, so he tried to ring the 
dial - a - car, but, no,

"Wrong number.

As a last resort Brian went downstairs and summoned the carer who then had to phone the taxi, she then told him to get out his money, but, with so many bags inside his bag he couldn't find it and mistakenly thought he left it back in his flat so had to go up and get it, but it wasn't there. After all it was in his bag, so he shut the door, but forgot to take his bag with him and had to return to his flat to get it, right at the time the taxi arrived and had to wait for him whilst he collected all his belongings.
he was in such a muddle that he couldn't get everything done right.

At last the man made his way into the taxi and, on arrival at hospital he made his way into 
A and E and told one of the staff behind the counter who then had to jot down all the details - the year in which Brian was born and that. Once done he was directed to the Majors waiting room where he had to wait until his name was called.
He had his blood test and returned to Majors where he had to wait to see the doctor who examined him and  told him that there could be some abdominal weakness and had to have a stomach X - ray just to make sure that everything worked out right , then back to Majors. 

Whilst waiting at the hospital the blockage started to come undone, but, one result of the blockage was a misshapen stoma, where it prolapsed a little and curled over at the top.

Two hours later the stoma unblocked completely, by the time one of the surgeons saw him and said that it was fine. She gave the go -  ahead for him to have a follow - up appointment by one of the doctors in two weeks time and he was discharged.
Soon after this an ambulance was booked to take Brian home and was directed to a wheelchair where he had to sit until the time came for him to be collected by ambulance and taken home.
He got home by 23.45.

PROFESSOR ILEY OSS

Once upon a time there was a mad professor called Professor Iley Oss all because he had a stoma and kept on making artificial bowels in his workshop so people could keep them as spares just in case their bowels got blocked, but in doing so they pay the price for such experiments, because, as a result if fake bowels are installed inside the belly they could blow up and the stomach could go off like a bomb, so, beware of crazy body parts invented by Professor Iley Oss because he's just one mad scientist gone too far. Once he invented a human head just for one customer to try on and what happened, the head blew up and shattered it's eyes, nose, ears and brain all over the place, but, one organ - the brain did really go haywire. it jumped up onto a man's face and tried to eat it (a man - eating brain), but Master Bellyache, Professor Iley Oss's assistant pulled it off. He then jumped on the brain, but the brain got too big for it's boots and ate Master Bellyache. However, only one minute after he got eaten Master Bellyache came back to life again. So the only option was to cook the mad brain and eat it, but, just as one man tried to eat the brain his mouth dropped off and fell onto the floor.

Although the mouth was on the floor it still could move because if mouth, eyes, ears and nose drop down onto the floor they develop a life of their own.

The mouth that dropped onto the floor after it fell off a man's face climbed up a table leg and bit into it. the table screamed in pain and had to be rushed to hospital. However, just as one of the doctors tried to examine the injured dining room table it kicked him in the breadbasket.
The doctor  screamed in pain, so much, that the ceiling came crashing down and  all the lights walked away. Two doctors, Doctor Kiss and Doctor Blockage, picked up the ceiling and returned it to it's rightful position. The next thing was to catch the runaway lights and put them back onto the ceiling.

The table that attacked a doctor had to be tied to a bed so doctors could examine it. Once done the table got wheeled into the operating theatre and had it's leg amputated.
To grow a new leg the table had to have birdseed sprinkled all over it.

MY BIRTHDAY

          

On April 30th when it was my birthday it was decided that to mark the occasion it was decided that we should all go down to Dog Poo restaurant for a slap up meal to celebrate, but, first of all I had to go to Ilford to buy myself a new pair of feet as my feet were getting old and needed replacing, but, first of all, I had to try on the feet. To do that I had to take off my old feet, but just as I did the feet walked away and disappeared into the distance.

I did of course try on a pair of brand new feet, but just before I could finalize, the feet that ran away suddenly appeared and charged at the feet that I was trying on.

 

A fight broke out between the two pairs of feet.

 

The feet shouted:

 

“I’m the one who belongs to that man not you.

 

I, the owner’s feet saw you, another pair of feet on my owner’s legs.”

 

Marks and Spencer is your home, not my owner’s body shouted the furious feet.”

 

I tried to try on the new pair of feet but the feet I have had since the day I was born wouldn’t let me do it because the feet I was trying to buy didn’t belong to my body, they were manufactured by using stem cells then shipped to Marks and Spencers, so I gave up and decided to buy a pair of shoes; but as I tried them on the shoes went mad and bit me.

My legs were so badly bitten that I had to take them off and chuck them in the leg bin at the end of the shop.

 

To enable me to walk I had borrow another man’s legs. The man saw it all and thumped me because I stole his legs so I could use them to walk.

 

Fortunately the legs I threw away because they got bitten by a mad pair of shoes jumped out of the leg bin and reconnected themselves to my body.

 

By now the legs were completely healed.

 

I had only come here to buy things as a birthday present and all this mayhem had to happen, so, ‘as a last resort, I had to buy myself as a birthday present, complete with five heads and a tongue stretching all the way to the other end of the store.

The tongue was so long that I had to tuck it into my mouth, but in doing so it blocked up my airway. Luckily the tongue fell out onto the floor, but I grew a new tongue.

 

Now it was off to Cloughton for a big 20 course meal.

 

The real highlight was the song:

 

“Happy Birthday to your own body”.

 

Then came the birthday pudding, but it had a bomb in it. This meant that I had to eat it as fast as possible before the bomb could go off. Once done the pudding bomb was taken outside and defused by one of the restaurant’s soldiers, Colonel Pork.

 

After the meal was over it was time to leave and had to go along the AAA34 road through Buckethurst Hill, down Underpants Avenue and along The Bog, a road lined with toilets, some with sections for men who have no heads and have to use guide cats to help them see.

And then we came to Epping forest Downs and drove up a tree until we reached a pub in the branches, The Kings Ears, to have beer made from frying oil.

 

Once we were refreshed we then drove down the tree and made our way through High Bleach, a beauty spot where trees end up fighting each other.

 

In fact a couple of trees came up to us and tried to climb up onto our car, but we shooed them off by chucking our heads at them.

Now we were about to head off home, by going down Woodford Mess Lane and passing Woodford Mess, a posh area where stallionaires live, horses that are rich enough to live in mansions.

 

A stallionaire mean’s a very rich horse.

 

We then left Woodford Mess and proceeded down Maybonk Road.

 

Before long I was home at last and had to open the door with my nose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE FINAL DANDY COMIC

The Dandy comic is went out of print because it was old and frail.
Don't forget that the Dandy was 75 years old. Because of this it couldn't stand the strain of anybody reading it.

Once, when someone read the Dandy it had a nasty fall and had to be rushed to hospital.
Apparently the comic fell out of the reader's hand and crashed down to the floor with a bang.
One of the characters, Korky the Cat fell out of the comic when it dropped on the floor and had to be rushed to hospital, where he underwent a 10 hour operation.
He was told that it would be two years before he could return to the Dandy, but would have to be strapped in to prevent him from falling out of the comic should it ever have a nasty fall again.
Even Desperate Dan didn't escape injury when the Dandy fell onto the floor.
The top of his head came off and had to be stitched back on in Cactusville Dandy Comics hospital.
Surgeons had to put Desperate Dan's brain back into his head after it fell out when the top of his head came off when the Dandy had a nasty fall, brought on by old age.
He was warned by doctors not to eat cow pie for five years because of the danger that his head could swell up and burst.
The Dandy is now in a nursing home in Cactusville.

THE DANDY COMIC HAS A NASTY FALL

" It is obvious that the Dandy comic would have a fall. Don't forget that the Dandy was 75 years old when it packed up. The Dandy comic is now in a nursing home and has only two months to live because it's so frail that it could drop dead if anybody read it. "

 One day whilst a man was reading the Dandy Comic it fell out of his hand and crashed onto the floor.
 The man then phoned an ambulance and they took the Dandy to hospital, where it had an operation.
 The characters that are in the Dandy also got injured. In fact, both Korky the cat and Desperate Dan fell out of the comic when it hit the floor, leaving both of them lying unconscious on the floor.
 In fact, the impact was so violent that Desperate Dan's head fell off his body leaving him headless.
 Even Korky the cat suffered unusual injuries, resulting in his mouth moving to the side of his face.
 On arrival at the hospital the Dandy comic and it's characters underwent a series of surgical operations.
 
Desperate Dan, one of the characters had his head sewn back on in an operation that lasted two weeks.
 Korky the cat also had an operation, to move his mouth back to the front of his face.
 
Unfortunately some of the Dandy comic characters didn't survive the Dandy comic's nasty fall.
 
The famous sheepdog, Big Bob, died from it's injuries after the Dandy comic had a nasty fall.
 It happened whilst it was inside the comic.
 The same thing too happened to Winker Watson, the school wangler.
 He bled to death. It happened in Greytowers school when the Dandy had a nasty fall, but Mr Creep, the school teacher survived, so too did Tim Trott, Winker Watson's pal.
 
Mr Creep, the schoolteacher wanted revenge so he walked out of the hospital and located the home where the man who read the Dandy lived.
 Mr Creep burst open the door and bashed the man who read the Dandy earlier on when it had a nasty fall.
 "You, you, murderer, you killed my pupil Winker Watson. "
 
The man who Mr Creep beat up, the same man who read the Dandy that had a nasty fall, was so badly beaten that he grew horns on his head, and loads of nails sprouted out of his nose turning him into a monster. He then flew at Creepy and tried to eat him, but was stopped in his tracks by a chair in the dining room.
 The chair flew at the man who tried to eat Mr Creep and knocked him flying until he saw stars.
 Even the dining room table joined in, when it jumped up into the air and flew at the cannibal until his body swelled up, in fact, so much that he burst.
 The man's heart and lungs jumped out of his body and attacked Mr Creep.
 The lungs crawled up his leg and bit him on his breadbasket.
 Mr Creep had to run for dear life to escape the mad body organs, that were attacking him.
 He went straight through the wall.
 The man who swelled up and burst suddenly spurted fire from his body, burning the house down, then all went back to normal for the home owner, but not for his own home for he burnt the house down when fire shot right out of his body.