On April 30th when it was my birthday it was decided that to mark the occasion it was decided that we should all go down to Dog Poo restaurant for a slap up meal to celebrate, but, first of all I had to go to Ilford to buy myself a new pair of feet as my feet were getting old and needed replacing, but, first of all, I had to try on the feet. To do that I had to take off my old feet, but just as I did the feet walked away and disappeared into the distance.
I did of course try on a pair of brand new feet, but just before I could finalize, the feet that ran away suddenly appeared and charged at the feet that I was trying on.
A fight broke out between the two pairs of feet.
The feet shouted:
“I’m the one who belongs to that man not you.
I, the owner’s feet saw you, another pair of feet on my owner’s legs.”
Marks and Spencer is your home, not my owner’s body shouted the furious feet.”
I tried to try on the new pair of feet but the feet I have had since the day I was born wouldn’t let me do it because the feet I was trying to buy didn’t belong to my body, they were manufactured by using stem cells then shipped to Marks and Spencers, so I gave up and decided to buy a pair of shoes; but as I tried them on the shoes went mad and bit me.
My legs were so badly bitten that I had to take them off and chuck them in the leg bin at the end of the shop.
To enable me to walk I had borrow another man’s legs. The man saw it all and thumped me because I stole his legs so I could use them to walk.
Fortunately the legs I threw away because they got bitten by a mad pair of shoes jumped out of the leg bin and reconnected themselves to my body.
By now the legs were completely healed.
I had only come here to buy things as a birthday present and all this mayhem had to happen, so, ‘as a last resort, I had to buy myself as a birthday present, complete with five heads and a tongue stretching all the way to the other end of the store.
The tongue was so long that I had to tuck it into my mouth, but in doing so it blocked up my airway. Luckily the tongue fell out onto the floor, but I grew a new tongue.
Now it was off to Cloughton for a big 20 course meal.
The real highlight was the song:
“Happy Birthday to your own body”.
Then came the birthday pudding, but it had a bomb in it. This meant that I had to eat it as fast as possible before the bomb could go off. Once done the pudding bomb was taken outside and defused by one of the restaurant’s soldiers, Colonel Pork.
After the meal was over it was time to leave and had to go along the AAA34 road through Buckethurst Hill, down Underpants Avenue and along The Bog, a road lined with toilets, some with sections for men who have no heads and have to use guide cats to help them see.
And then we came to Epping forest Downs and drove up a tree until we reached a pub in the branches, The Kings Ears, to have beer made from frying oil.
Once we were refreshed we then drove down the tree and made our way through High Bleach, a beauty spot where trees end up fighting each other.
In fact a couple of trees came up to us and tried to climb up onto our car, but we shooed them off by chucking our heads at them.
Now we were about to head off home, by going down Woodford Mess Lane and passing Woodford Mess, a posh area where stallionaires live, horses that are rich enough to live in mansions.
A stallionaire mean’s a very rich horse.
We then left Woodford Mess and proceeded down Maybonk Road.
Before long I was home at last and had to open the door with my nose.
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